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Forever Alone

you know that part in little mermaid when ariel wakes up to discovers that prince eric has found his mystery girl and is to be wed at once Ariels feelings, her whole reaction in that scene- That.. That is me right now minus the whole turns out to be Ursula in disguise/prince under a spell blah blah .. oh no this shit is real.

so i ask why God? ? why must you put me through this over and over again? i ask so little and appreciate so much that me liking just one guy isnt enough and my heart must break.

and i did. I liked him SO much.

He wasnt just some 'one guy' . .. i thought for sure the feelings/emotions were the same.

i know you cant make someone fall in love with you but i had hope that he'd choose me.
i wished, i hoped, i PRAYED.

im tired . im tired of crying over boys. my heart cant take it anymore. i thought this time would be different. i felt like it was going to be different.

sadly i consulted a psychic too see what would happen. June was my month. June was when things are going to change and 'my guy' would come around. Slash that- Things in June were going to change and 'my guy' is NEVER going to come around.

so please God please. . give me break and shine some light on me. I would like to find that someone please and soon. I would like the guy that i have a crush on to return my feelings for once.
i know isnt your fault, God. its isnt anyones fault. not mine, nor his. it just the way life goes. it goes on. so must I.

as long as he is happy.

Bees Do It

i want sex.

havent had in a month or so..
ya know if i could i'd have sex pretty much everyday..well, no.. okay maybe not everyday but every other day would do (need time to rest and all) =)

If only.
Frustration in the dating scene

I dont know what it is , but i always seem to fall for the wrong type of guy. the womanizer. a player. doesnt want a serious commitment.whatever the hell you want to call it. just when i think there is some connection my heart gets stomped on.

For instance, just recently i reconnected with a friend, whom i do like since i've met him about 3 years ago- hung out with him one night.. alcohol was in use and one thing lead to another (sex).
so here i'm thinking with hopefulness okay so this guy must have a semi- attraction to me lets see where this goes. Other day i hang out with him again i cant even put into words of what happen. He was so stand offish. We joked and talked set up a movie. first thing he sits on the same couch , decent space, opposite ends then he gets up and moves to the other couch and stays there. Not only that; what i thought was just us hanging out turns out that he invited another girl over too. i could be reading into this too much but the way he acted towards her was waay different then towards me. I felt like i wasnt even there. She sat next to him, they *touched*, joked, talked. with the occasion of including me into conversation or him even looking at me. - I felt so heart broken. i seriously wanted to walk out and cry.
- when the movie was over he said he had to go get ready to go - he gave me pointed look- idk what it was. i got my things together..and guess what? she didnt leave. or attempt to get ready to leave. he didnt even walk me out. Talk about sucker punched.
i barely looked or spoke to the guy as i left.-- i got into my car i let out a big "Fuck you . FUCK YOU" (thank you josh.)

i cant seem to get it right. I put too much out and expect so much off the littlest things. my desire for a relationship is probably the cause for that. it only ends up in getting hurt. THEN there is always that pressure too. Especially when friends/family ask when you are going to hang out with guy.. "is he someone special?" "potential boyfriend?" ugh then i start thinking about it lol.

Overall I need to stop. True mostly my emotions are brought on myself. I need to get into a mind set with guys that is friends-only or something so i dont jump to conclusions of what we are or going to be. I need to become unattached with guarded heart and not where my emotions on myselves. I need to become like a guy in the emotional states of relationships. haha.

that is my goal from here on out.



Had to Post -- its not my own photo unfortunately. its from twitter of a fan's encounter of Robert Pattinson meeting n greeting fans outside the Today show.

Rpattz from Today Show.

nice package...

Cyn_TR: Rob crotch shot I just realized I took.... O.O

Mt Hood hikers lost -- going on 6 nights.

There are two people trapped out in the snow on Mt.Hood who've been there for about 6 nights now, its a tragic event for the families for they presume the two hikers are dead .. which all likelihood true but some part of me likes to think that sometime during they're entrapment they happen to stumble across and abandoned old cabin in the snow and trapped in there. .. fire and all. :)
i noticed after 75 weeks i havent posted anything, but now i am . HELLO!

la la la

Coming home from Florida in 6 days!

Turning 21 in 5 days!

I havent had sex in 5 1/2 months (since Feb)!
back at disney... since jan 6th. its' good to be home.


One month till florida!!

i have feeling i wont be coming back to portland.